Once again, the date rolls around, the day I woke up four years ago to find my son had died.  I didn’t wake up today and think about the date.  I was reminded by a couple of people letting me know they were thinking of my daughter-in-law and me.  I just read back over my blogs from this date the last two years to see what I was thinking then and they were good ones.  Nothing much has changed.

The difference, I think, is that I have missed him more this year, if that’s possible.  I can feel him around me in so many ways, but I found myself missing him.  A lot.  I had lots of flashes when I’d glance up and see a young man who had some semblance of his face, his walk, his gestures.  Then back to reality.  Mostly just a deep sadness that he isn’t here.

The anniversary date is never the day that hurts.  It’s the every day.  It’s a tribute to people who have been deeply loved that they can never never be replaced.  It’s the same with my memories of my husband.  There may be other friends I love and care for, but that unique person will never die in my heart.

The last couple of days I’ve glanced out my window and a very bright cardinal has appeared.  Once he sat and watched me for a long time.  It’s been said poetically that a cardinal is a visit from a lost loved one.  I don’t know which of my guys it was, but it makes me smile.  Nothing more comforting than a bright red cardinal on a gray winter day.

Today, the sun is shining and it’s cold outside.  I’m going to make it through another winter when the heavy thoughts hit me into the spring when all our hearts lift with the warmth and rebirth.  I’m going to cherish all my living loving children and their spouses and my grandchildren and make beautiful memories that will tide us through the rough patches of life.

And…I’m going to remember with love the wonder of my son and his remarkable life.  Damn it all that we lost him to horrible cancer, but loving that he was ours.  I miss him…all his girls miss him!

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