This seems so redundant, writing about losing my son. It’s been eight years today since that phone call woke me. He was gone, died in his sleep. It had been ten years since he was diagnosed with cancer and he was cancer free, but the treatments had ravaged his body and it just gave out. He was thirty-five years old with a wife and fifteen month old daughter.

So today is like all the days since. He’s not here and we all keep on living, knowing that our lives are different for loving and losing him. We are different, each of us who knew him. That’s how it works. That person and his or her life is absorbed into your own life and you keep going with all the things that you had in that relationship.

I’m pretty stoic about the whole thing, usually unable to cry after losing my husband and then my son. But, today, I saw down to write and find a picture that I could use and I started sobbing. That is unusual and was unexpected. It all came out while I looked at pictures of his life. I don’t know what that says really. I know we never get over these losses, but we go on, day after day.

I’m 73 now and my thoughts often go to the time I have left and how I want to spend it. I have no idea how many years I have left – do any of us? And I do squander several hours/days a week not doing anything that productive at all. It’s tiring to make all of it count, isn’t it?

Mainly, I try to keep in touch with friends and spend as much time with them as possible.  My family is around and I get to observe and participate as much as they let me. I used to say I wanted to stay healthy enough to keep up with my grandkids. These days, I want to stay healthy enough to watch them grow and live their lives.

I have seven grandkids between the ages of 17 and 21 and a nine year old. Every step of their lives that I get to witness is a treasure. The flip side of that is that every year that I am with them is another year for them to have memories of me. And I want to make that count. My maternal grandmother and my paternal grandparents were such an important part of my life and I only wish I had more memories, more information about them, more, more, more. With people marrying later and later and putting off having children, I wonder if there will even be grandparents at some point. It would be sad.

So, I dream now of watching my grandkids graduate, get jobs, marry and have some very special great-grandchildren for me. Well, not for me, but you know what I mean. Every day is a treat, a time to discover something new, an opportunity to explore and share. Sunrises and sunsets are still a wonder. The ocean, the sky, mountains and deserts are still miracles. Every living creature is still amazing.

But, today…today, I’m just a mom who lost a child. A mom who flipped through pictures and chose this one to share because it sums up a whole lot to me. Life.img_5786